So this weekend I have come to a realization. Actually not exactly a realization since I've known this for quite a while, but more like a determination to change this person I have become. I no longer put myself first. Not that I want to be a completely selfish person, but more that I need to put more effort into making myself happy than thinking other people will make that happen. Since I have met my now husband I have slowly turned into this wife that sits around and waits for him. It's actually kind of funny considering I was such an independant person 10 years ago who would have absolutely been disgusted by the person I am now!! I remember being so annoyed with married couples that would say, "Oh I have to check with my husband first!" LOL Now let me say first off none of this is my husbands fault. This is not a post complaining about him, it's an attempt to get this off my chest in hopes that this will make me a better person, better wife and better mother.
So Friday night I thought about going to the gym since we had nothing planned. Instead I figured I would stay home and hang out with my husband and son. Well my husband spent the entire night hanging out in the garage working on his hobby stuff that makes him happy and my son watched a movie and played with his toys. I sat on the couch bored and depressed. Saturday I spent the whole day cleaning and cooking. Then when hubby came home I should have gone to the gym, but instead I sat around bored, again, and ended up eating an entire 4th meal to fill that void. Then comes Sunday, I should have gone on a walk in the morning, took my son to a free event that was happening locally since my husband was off doing his guy stuff most of the day. But yet again I sat around waiting to hear when hubby might be home before actually doing anything. Which in essence meant I waited around for nothing. This entire weekend I did not do anything for myself, only things for my husband and son.
I have got to start putting myself first. I have got to stop blaming others for my problems and just figure it out! If I want to go the gym and feel good about myself I need to make it happen!! If I want to take my son to the park, or on a bike ride, or on a walk I have to make it happen. If I want to start a new hobby or go shopping or what the freak ever I need to make it happen!! NOT wait around for my husband. The stuff that makes him happy is not what makes me happy and that is ok. We don't have to do everything together and I definitely need to stop putting his needs before mine. Sometimes it's ok... but not all the time. Hardest thing to actual admit... I think I've lost most of my friends because of this person I have become.
So my new plan for this week (a week I'm also starting working AAHHHH) is to make a schedule. A schedule so my husband knows when I am needing him to take care of our son. So no more excuses, no more 'oh I was thinking about going to the gym tonight but I don't have to if you're too tired" kind of crap. I do not need to spend every second of my life cleaning, cooking, being a mommy and being a wife. There is also room in there for me to be just Gina!
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